"The truth is God believes in me."
If I truly internalize this, you think I wouldn't come up short on anything. I wouldn't feel like I needed to be more or better. If I believed this, I would I understand that I am exactly where I needed to be without any regrets. Somewhere in my childhood I began to lose my 'I don't give a f*ck' swag. I started to place all of my dreams in the hopes that I would be accepted. The irony is I stopped accepting myself as is. I became that adult that I hated, the one that manipulated to get what she wanted and the one that only saw herself in the eyes of others. That person wore a mask of lies and hurt. It is time for me to reveal the person that I was born to be. I know that I hid behind the lies to cover up my deficiencies. The truth lurked around, and I chose not to see it. The truth smacked me across my face a couple of times. I kept turning the other cheek, but I cannot run from the truth. It'll still be there when I wake from this nightmare called 'unfulfilled dreams.' Now let me face the truth. Truth is I've allowed fear to run my life. No longer shall fear render me defenseless. It's time for me to stand up and be counted.
In my childhood I remember my mother saying that I can be anything I wanted to be, but she didn't think that of herself. She settled. I realize that I settle. I get comfortable in a certain situation. The outside world of racism, homophobia and/or sexism does not defer my dreams. I do. I have to apologize first to myself then to the many who have crossed those barriers to make it easier for me. I have to apologize to my grandparents, aunts and uncles, Audre Lorde, Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., just to name a few. My apology will only be complete when I get off my butt and do something. It's through my actions can I really learn not to settle. I have to find fulfillment and happiness in everything I do. You know when you love what you do that it is not work anymore. It is pure joy. I want to create that. I have to get the negativity out of my life (even at work). It is not what is just happening but how I react to the negativity. I have to be that light that illuminates throughout the darkness. I have to be the shining light that permeates the negativity of uncertainty. It is then that I can truly be happy.
My happiness is connected to my ability to keep moving forward. I have to accomplish my goals that I have set for myself. I have to make small goals to reach the bigger ones. I have to hold myself accountable and responsible for my well-being. It is that light within that has to shine when there's nothing but doubt, anger and hate. This new way of thinking and action has to be rooted in love. I'm not speaking of the mushy, always good feeling kind of love. I'm talking about the love that demands respect, seeks knowledge, offers companionship, understands, and gives itself to the nurturing of oneself and of others that deem appropiate. It is through this love that honesty can reign. This love will honor oneself and the Divine at the same time. This love will make sure that doubt, anger and hate does not rear its ugly head. If it does, this love will fight with a ferocity never seen to bring us back to state of calm, understanding and trust.
Now I understand that God believes in me. I have all the tools to go out and "just do it" (Nike plug...I need to get paid for this).
In my childhood I remember my mother saying that I can be anything I wanted to be, but she didn't think that of herself. She settled. I realize that I settle. I get comfortable in a certain situation. The outside world of racism, homophobia and/or sexism does not defer my dreams. I do. I have to apologize first to myself then to the many who have crossed those barriers to make it easier for me. I have to apologize to my grandparents, aunts and uncles, Audre Lorde, Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., just to name a few. My apology will only be complete when I get off my butt and do something. It's through my actions can I really learn not to settle. I have to find fulfillment and happiness in everything I do. You know when you love what you do that it is not work anymore. It is pure joy. I want to create that. I have to get the negativity out of my life (even at work). It is not what is just happening but how I react to the negativity. I have to be that light that illuminates throughout the darkness. I have to be the shining light that permeates the negativity of uncertainty. It is then that I can truly be happy.
My happiness is connected to my ability to keep moving forward. I have to accomplish my goals that I have set for myself. I have to make small goals to reach the bigger ones. I have to hold myself accountable and responsible for my well-being. It is that light within that has to shine when there's nothing but doubt, anger and hate. This new way of thinking and action has to be rooted in love. I'm not speaking of the mushy, always good feeling kind of love. I'm talking about the love that demands respect, seeks knowledge, offers companionship, understands, and gives itself to the nurturing of oneself and of others that deem appropiate. It is through this love that honesty can reign. This love will honor oneself and the Divine at the same time. This love will make sure that doubt, anger and hate does not rear its ugly head. If it does, this love will fight with a ferocity never seen to bring us back to state of calm, understanding and trust.
Now I understand that God believes in me. I have all the tools to go out and "just do it" (Nike plug...I need to get paid for this).
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