Finding the Genius within You

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I just watched the Spike Lee movie, Malcolm X. I hadn't watched that movie in years. I remember when I was in high school I read that book every summer. Once school ended for the year I read that book to find my strength. I stopped doing that along the way. I started to caring more about superficial bullshyt. As I've gone through life, I realize two things: 1. We all are going through some inner turmoil, and 2. All we want is love. I need to let the superficial bullshyt go. I started caring about what car I drove when before I didn't have a car. I started caring about what clothes I wore when I looked good with my style. I started to care about how big my television was when I do not like to watch TV. I began to do the things I hated to get accepted when it was my unique, personal style that got me the attention. I wasn't like the others and now I strive to be like them. Let it go. I have to let it go. I have to let go the world expectations. There's only one plan, God's.

You know this journey is a lonely one. It is when we are alone and we meditate that we can listen to the Divine. It is then that I can understand that the outside world doesn't mean anything to me. I have to live for God and myself. Yesterday a friend called me a genius because I believe 'in the moment,' and I love 'in the moment.' Wow, genius is never a word that I would describe myself. Today I can receive it as a compliment. Today narcissism is my friend, for I am a genius (even if it's only in my mind). If I don't believe in myself, who will? I got my swag back. It was missing because I was walking on eggshells. Either love me or leave me alone. I only want people in my life that can support me in my genius. We often get caught up in having friends that are like us. We all have that person that is nothing like us, but they give us what we need when we need it. It might be that 'Pookie' that tells us the truth when our 'yes ma'am' and 'yes sir' people are not around. We all have them. We can celebrate them because it is what they bring to my life.

Right now though I am celebrating ME. I forgot to do that. I am lovable. I am intelligent. I am sexy. I am Anisa Kenyatta Parks. I am a walking contradiction. I am a lesbian. I am a daughter. I am sister. I am lover. I am a friend. While I haven't always been the best person to myself and to others, I forgive myself and hopefully others who I've trespassed against will forgive me. Now I sit here writing. God is saving me. I need my order back. I feel my grandmother is looking at my apartment shaking her head, "I taught you better. Clean that house." I feel my grandfather is looking down shaking his head, "I taught you better. Love yourself like you love music." I don't talk about my grandparents much anymore because I feel like I haven't lived up to their expectations. I realize that I haven't lived up to my expectations at all.

Love yourself like you love music. Hmm, if you knew me then you know that music is my savior. When I was upset, I would listen to music, and it would calm me. It would shelter me from the evil world. Music was my escape mechanism. I would lock my bedroom door and turn the music up and forget about all of my problems. I would sing or rap at the top of my lungs without a care in the world. I listen to music for various reasons. A beat, lyrics, story behind song, melody and the voice can capture my attention. Yes, I listen to bounce. It's naturally N'awlins. It's a part of the New Orleans tradition. But back to the matter at hand, I have to love myself like I love music. With its flaws there's beauty. I have to find my beauty and genius within me despite my flaws. It's those flaws that make me beautifully human (as Jill Scott said). I AM A GENIUS. Are you?