Let Me Be Present

Yesterday I was sitting with a friend, and we were talking about a problem he had. Out of no where came the answer. It was not something I thought about, but I believe that the answer manifested through me. I never knew the shyt I went through during my childhood would ever be beneficial to me or anyone else for that matter. Everything happens for a reason! It was through my experiences that I could converse with my friend and shed some light on his troubles. My wisdom came from the trials and tribulations of being from a single-parent household and being from a child of chemically-dependent parents. I know I could have been definitely worse than I am, but through prayers (others' and my own) I did not turn out too bad. The damage could have corroded my sense of purpose and reality.

My extended family made up for some of the hurt and loss I felt. However, nothing can truly make up for the absence of your biological parents. Don't get me wrong I had great stand-ins like my grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends and even teachers. Something cannot substitute the longing for your own parents. My mother was there physically at times but emotionally empty. As I grew up I realized that she had her own demons that she projected unto me. Financially, she gave me everything that money could buy. She spoiled me to point of no return. Maybe that's probably why I find solace in shopping when I am upset or happy. When I was growing up, Idid a lot with my mom. We would go to the Audubon Zoo. We would stroll through the French Quarter. We would go to Chuck E. Cheese. While we did those things, my only recollections are from old pictures. However, the recollections of my grandmother taking care of me when I was sick, allowing me to sit on her lap and discuss my day, helping me with my homework (even though she only had a 8th grade education), and the like are vivid my mind. My grandparents and the rest of my extended were 'being present.'

As a kid all we remember was how present our parents were. 'Being present' has nothing to do with being physically there, but how involved a parent/caregiver is. My mother was 'present' when I excelled which was sports and school. My mother was my biggest fan. She would holler and scream at the officials and sometimes the opponents when I was on the court or field. She would bring the Gatorade and bring other kids home afterward. She was that 'cool' mom every person said they wanted. Sometimes I was conflicted because everyone was saying she was 'cool' and wanted to believe that, too. Not to say that my mom was awful (far from that), but we had our moments. For the everyday stuff, my mom wasn't 'present.' I lived with my grandparents. Growing up my mom worked an overnight job at the post office from 10pm - 7am. When she got off of work, she would rush to bring me to school until she was in an awful car accident (taking away the car and our time with each other). That accident forced me on the RTA, public transportation and a new school at 9 years old. Without the car I didn't spend as much time with my mom even when she was off. I don't know why. I began to resent my mom during this time.

Where was my dad? He was always in and out. I would see him then nothing. When I began to resent my mom, I wanted my dad to be my knight in shining armor and rescue me from my perception of 'hell.' He never came. I didn't feel needed or wanted. My self-esteem started to plummet. I started to listen to what the outside world said about me more than my family. I thought they were just being nice. I didn't listen to the Divine when I prayed at night. Nothing mattered because I was ugly, fat and unloved. This was my perceptions. But now as I think about it, it was never my reality.

It was during this time that my caregivers fostered my love of music. My mom bought me drums one Christmas. She also bought me this record player which I would take the records in the house and play it. It didn't matter what genre. I listened to it all. My grandmother bought my first cd ever (Color Me Badd... don't judge me :)) My grandfather bought my first portable cd player. As I grew up, my grandparents would allow me to play the music as loud as I wanted. During these times I would close my eyes and sing (or rap) the lyrics to those songs and close out the rest of the world. I loved music so much that I would save my lunch money just to go to Tower Records and get a cd. Music became my refuge from the insanity called life. The grandparents' wisdom understood that. My grandfather was a jazz aficionado. To this day just to be close to him I sit and listen to all of the jazz greats such as Billie Holiday, John Coltrane, Miles Davis and even some Louis Armstrong. I appreciate jazz because I would like to be closer to my 'PawPaw' as I called my grandfather. It's that feeling of being appreciated and loved that I want. I still do that today.

Now I understand that I have to be 'present' in all of my relationships. I have to give of myself to every deserving relationship. I have to learn that I have to love unconditionally. I have to love for loving not for love in return. I have the love I need (God's and self-love). I have to understand that I am a Divine manifestation. It's not about the material things, but what I can give to the world. It's about being as I was born to be. This blog is therapeutic for me because it allows me to face the many things I tried to keep a secret. With my transparency I am. I AM. It's time to start living instead of just existing.