It's Only Coffee (No Meat, No Alcohol)

Yesterday I told one of my friends that I've stopped eating meat and drinking alcohol. I've decided a few weeks. I've faltered at times. Oh how I love my chicken, but I've strayed away from meat. I like a good single malt scotch, but it's time to put that away. This has been a cleansing time for me. My life has drastically changed. I've closed down Williams & 33rd. I've started at Harrison & Memphis. I've given up alcohol and meat. I cannot give up my eggs. I cannot give up my milk. I eat ice cream sometimes. Anyway my friend looked at me and said what else are you given up? I said, "Nothing," in response. I'm going through a cleansing of sorts to continue on my journey of service and fulfillment.

This blog is my response to feeling dishonest with myself. I want to be transparent. This blog is my letter to God each morning I write. Wow, I did not trust myself to make the right decisions. I have to cleanse my soul to be a service to others. I am willing to give myself in that way, but it comes at a price. The price of change is a better 'me.' I cannot wait until that day I realize that I am truly happy. That's all I want. Happiness does not have a price tag on it. Since I cut out meat and alcohol, my skin looks better. It's so soft and fresh. I love it! It makes me smile and happy. Body, mind and soul works together. The more you smile you really look younger. I have to allow the inner beauty to come and play.

Rock Corps is a volunteering project that gives special concert tickets to young people who does four hours of community service. Their slogan is "You have to give to get." I have to learn to let go and let God. My happiness lies in my service to others. Harrison & Memphis is wonderful place to continue this journey as a service to others. Dr. Susan Jeffers wrote a book entitled Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow, which teachers about the value of having passion for what you do. It has become very clear to me that when you give yourself over to acts of love, passionately spending your time giving of yourself, you are never at a loss or lack for the things that you need. We need more than money. Money will not make us happy. We need a sense of purpose. This sense purpose will allow us to go on when no one believe in us. Ask Martin Luther King, Jr. at the end of his life. It's about the greater good.

My greater good is still evolving and being realized. For now I can serve the coffee with a smile and understand that it is only coffee.

Forever NOLA

The phone rang. It was my district manager. She told me about a lady named Caverly Dwyer who had a bad experience at my new store. She gave me her phone number and told me to give her a gift card of twenty-five dollars. I told her that I would and hung up the phone. I called Caverly to apologize for her bad experience. As a person I wanted to know that she was heard. I called her, and we talked on the phone for about ten minutes. I apologized for her experience. I explained to her that I was a new manager at Harrison & Memphis, and I told her what an honor it was to manage a store in New Orleans. She said that she wanted to meet me. She came in the store, and we talked about everything. We talked about Hurricane Katrina, the aftermath and the continuation of rebuilding of New Orleans. We talked about New Orleans as she was an old lover that we cannot shake. But for the first time in two years I felt connected to that lover, New Orleans.

Since I've come home two years ago, I still feel distant from New Orleans. Kenner is fifteen minutes without traffic from New Orleans, but it seems worlds apart. I've only been at the store for two days, but it feels so right. I used to work at CC's on Esplanade back in the day. It was the perfect coffee shop. It was a pillar to the community. It was the meeting place for everyone. The mayor and his wife used to come in. Many journalists would come in. Politicians and lawyers all were discussing business (aka backhand dealings). Artists and musicians were abound in this store. Everyone knew each other. Students studied and graduated in their perspective careers. Couples grew into families. I was a part of all of that. I've been wanting that back subconsciously. I got it and now it's up to me to do my part. This Starbucks can definitely be the 'third place' for this community. Lakeview is fighting for their community. I just want to be with them 'in that number.' Just like the Saints we will marching in together.

I am a New Orleanian. I was born in Charity Hospital. I raised in Algiers. I went to school Uptown. I matured in Mid-City. It's time to continue to grow in Lakeview. Understand one thing it is 'Forever NOLA.'

An Ode to... (I'm not going to put you on blast)

You ever have a relationship that you wonder why you're in it. This relationship when it's 'good' is great and when it's 'bad' is awful. You're not stupid or crazy, but no one sees the good in it. You stay in it. You actually like it, for what it is. I have one of those relationships (actually a few). But one in particular is crazy, real crazy. Over 20 years I've had a crush, grown close and loved (continue to love) this woman. At one point we were not happy with us. Actually, I was not happy with us. I had these fairy tale notions of what our love should be. I started to put restrictions and bars around my love. I realized that love does not work that way. Last night I told her that sometimes I wish I didn't feel this way about her, but I realize that she feels a 'way' about me. I cannot judge our relationship because it is what it is. Over these 20 years we cannot get away from each other. Something I guess you can call it fate keeps bringing me back to her to enjoy 'us'. What is 'us'? I don't know. I've realized I don't care because only 'us' can define it.

I realize that I judge her on my other relationships and what I think this relationship should be instead of enjoying it for what it is. Naturally, we will grow into something special. Actually, we have. We can be open with each other without judgment. No, I can be open without judgmental eyes or ears. She never judges me even when I'm bordering on crazy. She continues to loves me. I think sometimes she questions why, too. This relationship is more because how many people can say that they are loved unconditionally. How many people can say that? They have an outlet for all of their trials and tribulations. This relationship is rare. This relationship is wonderful because it is 'us'. If this relationship does not become the 'ONE,' (which she doesn't believe in and that's a whole another story) I will have to learn from the lessons and blessings it brings.

There is no right, no wrong, there is just what is. That best describes 'us'. Don't you think?

A Toast to New Adventures

This weekend is my weekend and no one elses. This is my weekend to reinvigorate myself. I will work on my stuff for the new store on my own time. I've instructed the partners to NOT call me this weekend. I am wonderful enough to warrant that from my job, for my job is not my life. I need a break. I've just closed my store. There's no more Starbucks Williams & 33rd in Kenner. I shut the door on an old chapter, but a new one arises. You remember we hated 'time outs' when we were younger. We need to take more 'time outs' as we get older because we forget to meditate and listen to the Divine. We are so busy that we forget to listen to the Divine to continue our journey. We try to stay busy to look like we're doing something. Sometimes we have to be STILL to actually do the work God wants us to do.

I am starting at a new store on Monday. There's a host of problems. Some are overwhelming. I have to take this weekend to digest and meditate. There's a reason for everything. I know I can do this job very well. I've got to start strong by analyzing the problems and being compassionate enough to help them with those problems. I'm not trying to be a martyr. I am a manager that wants the store to run efficiently and effectively. That's all. I do not have to be a friend to all. I don't have to be liked by all, but all will respect me and each other. If not, they will not longer be at the store. That's not a threat or warning. It is what it is. I want positive people around me. I am in a business where no one younger than 18 works there. That means that I have essentially adults legally. I will treat them as adults with respect and dignity. All I ask for in return the same for myself and the other partners.

So I take a step back, analyze and meditate on this new adventure called Harrison & Memphis. It is what it is. Let me display the wisdom, knowledge and be open to more.

Surrender to Thee

Two days ago I went to work and the water pressure was gone. I know I was closing the store, but come on. I called facilities and my district manager. I had to be patient and wait. The plumbers came 3 and 1/2 hours later. The water pressure pump was broken. That was the verdict. Wow! I was upset for my partners. I got on the phone and called around for my partners to get hours. I know stuff happens, but I was upset. I know I am going on this spiritual journey. I was disgusted and upset! I had to surrender to God and allow the divinity to work through me. I forget that I'm living on borrowed time. God is in control. I cannot make anything happen. I can make sure that I am prepared for the opportunity that comes my way. When I fail even when I'm well-prepared, I should be learning and discovering. I've learned that it all comes in due time. In the meantime I have to continue to prepare, discover, study and do. I cannot sit by idly and think something will happen. I have to take the one step to God, and God will take two steps to me. Thy will, not my will, is done in the perfect way at all times. It doesn't have to make sense to me at all. It will come in alignment in time.

When you surrender to God, you will eliminate fear and anger. We all have been depressed because we cannot find 'our place in the world.' Our life is formless, and it's going as planned. We have to celebrate life and love. We cannot live to accomplish 'goals.' When life is aligned with the Divinity its seamless and formless. You are at a place of peace, love and serenity. This nirvana as it may overwhelms your being and is. In a state of nirvana everything clicks for you. Nothing overwhelms you because you realize that it is what it is. Everything becomes apparent. No questions are asked.

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with a beautiful woman. She wanted to know her purpose. She wanted to know her 'place in the world.' I told her that she is 'exactly where she needs to be in her life.' I gave her examples of what she is learning and continues to learn in her current situation. Money does not determine how rich someone is. Intellectual capital is sometimes worth more than money. I continued to tell her that she had a unique gift of picking up new knowledge and applying it quickly. As I continued to talk to her, my life became clearer. Back to this theory of nirvana, one definition is the destruction of greed, hatred and delusion. Let us internalize this. A lot of times we want what we cannot have. We think we need more. We look in the mirror and hate what we see so we deflect that off on others. We are often deluded to our current life.

I deserve NIRVANA. I am willing to look at myself as is. I am wonderful, loving and special. I have to accept the fact that I want to change. With that change will come progress. The progression will lead me to a life of peace, serenity and love. Let me cherish the journey.

Friendships

Friends, how many of us have them? Friends, ones we can depend on. I remember reciting those words time and time again while I listened to Whodini's 'Friends' on the radio or watching videos on B.E.T. I take this word very seriously. The meaning of friendship has evolved over time. I've realized I have very few of them and many associates. The friends I have are exceptional. Simply wonderful. There's not many words that describe them. It's the feelings that make me light up. It's the memories we've shared. It was purpose that God put us together. Lifetime relationships were formed. In those friendships I found myself and the person I was born to be. I found the courage to 'be' because they had complete confidence in me that who I was. The irony of this is that they felt the same way about themselves. We were powerful beyond measure, but it was our friendship that opened each one of us to it.

I had been writing this blog since last week, and I could not complete it. There was so much to say, but I could not write what I felt. After spending time with my friends this past weekend I realized why our friendship is so special. I spent this weekend primarily with my brother from another mother. We are so similar it's ridiculous. He refers to me as the 'female him.' The way that we interact with people particularly women is so dead on. He's my dude! He's my confidante. We've gotten into so much trouble together. I cannot run for public office unless I get it squared away with him first. This weekend he took some pictures that the masses should not see. (Hey bruh, I need them pics.)

This weekend made me realize that I am loved by few, feared by many and respected by most because of my swagger and company I keep. Hmm, you don't know what I'm doing or what I'm thinking. Interesting! My friends are just extensions of that swag.

Loneliness

This morning I woke up heart wide open. I got on Facebook, and one of my favorite people who is all away around the country was on. We started to converse speaking about loneliness. She feels alone since she's away from her support system. It's crazy, but I feel like that sometimes and I'm not half way around the world. Loneliness creeps in when I forget that I can lean on people. They won't let me fall. If I do fall, it's probably because I need that. But those people, the people I trust, will be there to dust me off or kick me back down depending on what I need. Their hearts resonate with mine. I don't understand it. It took me almost 33 years to understand that I need to put trust not in people but in the Divine. The Divine lead me to these people. These wonderful people kick me on my ass when I need it. These people understands me and loves me for being ME, Anisa Kenyatta Parks. Anisa Kenyatta Parks is a complex, unique individual that found true friendship late in life. But I still feel lonely at times. I'm living way out here in Kenner I feel disconnected to them. Then others moved out of town.

That's why I like to go to CC's Coffee House on Esplanade. Even when I'm there with myself, I'm never by myself. I feel the warmth of past conversations and memories. I remember when I worked there, and we would have Crawfish Fridays. Yes, we would have crawfish on the center table and have Heinekens in a cooler. Just having fun! I remember when I would sit down outside, someone would stop, and then next thing we know there's ten people out there having a 'round table.' The conversations were always interesting, and everyone added to the conversation. We were out there after CC's closed. The CC's employees would tell us to lock the chairs after we finished. Yeah, it was great! I'm never lonely if I think of the memories that I have. I'm never lonely because I have friends I can call when I need them. I have family that will pick me up when I need it. I have friends who will kick me down when I need it.

Lonely is a state of mental insanity, for the mind is a powerful thing. When I'm alone, I shouldn't be alone because I know I have my memories, family, friends, God and myself to keep me company.

Honoring Myself

As you know my Starbucks is closing in Kenner. I've been trying to find places for all of my 'partners'. Some only want to go to certain stores. I am trying to make sure they are alright. I've been stressing. I cannot stress anything. When I let go and let God, I usually end up better. I have to make sure I am doing what I supposed to do, but I have to remember that I am not God. Maybe these partners need to learn lessons I as a human cannot teach them. I do not know. They have to bend, too. They have to understand that I was a different manager. Sometimes I think I was overcompensating for all the bad managers I had. I didn't want that. I can become better. I am not their friend. I am their manager. When I am irritated, I have to talk to my friends and other managers who understand my frustrations. I cannot allow my 'partners' to see it on my face. I have to work on this. I am an open book even with my emotions. I have to learn to hide these until I can decipher how I feel.

I am learning every day. I know what I cannot do. I'm learning what my strengths and weaknesses are. I know I have to learn to honor myself first. I tried to think of their 'feelings' first. Then I get mad when they don't do the same. I cannot be upset with them. This is a lesson I have to continue to learn, for I have to honor myself first. I am worth it. When someone gets mad at me, they will get over it or best yet, I will. It's not hard. Saying no is alright. Understanding what I need, I cannot make concessions. It's time to say what I feel without fear. It's time to say what I want without fear.

Healthy Habits (or Lack Thereof)

Good morning! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. It's Good Friday, April 10, 2009. I fell off the workout bandwagon. It's time for me to get back on. My life has settled so I can put it back in my routine again. But my life is lacking consistency. Consistency will get me to the place I want to go. I'm learning to chip away at things. I cannot take big blocks off at a time. That only happens when I'm chipping away. I've always a weight problem as far as I can go back. Food was my outlet for many of my problems. I would sneak and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all times at night when I wasn't feeling good about myself. PB&J was my comfort food of choice. I still eat PB&J. But my peanut butter is organic, and my jelly is strawberry preserves. I never realized how I would eat to make it feel better. Then I would feel worst all of over because I was still fat. I would start various workout programs just to start eating bad again. I know what not to do, but the action is not behind it. I have all the information. I have the workout magazines and books. I have the cookbooks, but what stops me? The only thing that stops me is that I haven't dealt with a lot of internal problems. I have to project from inside to out. Then I have to stop judging myself on anyone's else platform.

I am a unique individual. I have to learn to celebrate myself for who I am not who the media or others want me to be. I will never be a size 2. I don't think I ever wanted that. I want to tone and fit. I want to be healthy. I have given up alcohol for many reasons. The primary reason is that I want life to intoxicate me. I want to be that free with myself without a stimulant. I want to throw my inhibitions to the wind. I have to give up beef. I don't eat pork (not for the most part). I slip every now and then). I cannot eat anymore fried foods. Damn! Damn! Damn! That means no more Popeye's for me or Manchu's. But there's so many cool alternatives. That would mean eat more sushi. I love sushi. I'm always looking at what I'm giving up. It's time to look at this new lifestyle change as necessary and as the glass half-full.

Hmm, it's interesting. I feel better when I do the right things. Why it's so hard to do it consistency? I'm still working on the internal. These demons have been eating away at my soul, and I've been eating to compensate. It's time to rid these demons of its power. I'm my way to the gym. Again, it's Good Friday. I have to fast today anyway.

Imma Put It On Her...

I'm an avid fan of Making the Band 4. It's one of my guilty pleasures. I am not ashamed, for I am a walking contradiction. You cannot place me in a box. Now let me get off of my soap box. Anyway Day26's first single, 'Imma Put It On Her' makes me think about what I want in a significant other, my woman. I want to put something on her not just sexually. I realized that I have so much to offer. I would lower my expectations just to have someone. Detrimental to my sanity I would take care of their needs while forgetting my own. These actions would lead to anger and frustrations and subsequently infidelity. This was my pattern over and over again. Emotionally and spiritually I was dead. I knew I deserved better but maybe I was swayed by their sexiness or the batting of their eyes. I cannot do it anymore. Not anymore. My needs have to be met first. I need a woman that will interdependently want and need me.

My track record in relationships is tremendously bad. I always fall for that woman that is clingy and want me around all of the time. She is calling every day. I got used to that kind of woman. It has become repeat performances in my relationships. It's one after another. Only I can make different choices. I start to focus more on the women in my life than myself. That cannot happen anymore because greatness has to happen. I'm dreaming big, and I want my significant other to dream big (her own) with me. I always get the woman that wants my dreams to be realized to have it easy. It has nothing to do with financial status. It's about the happiness that we can share when our dreams come true. I will put it on her. I will give her the love that she needs and wants. I will give her emotional and spiritual support. I will love unconditionally. I will give her everything that her heart desires (understand that material things are not in this equation). All I ask for in return is the same. It's nothing hard. It's reciprocal love. Then and only then I will try to grow with someone. You know Imma put it on her.

Coming Home Again...

Good morning! The Divine works in mysterious ways. We have to let the Divine work Her magic without question. Two weeks ago I was told, "Your store is closing." I assumed that meant that I would be without a job. I started to check my savings, stocks, and 401K. I thought about my severance package and what I thought I deserved. I questioned my friends about job leads. I stressed. I cried. I agonized about myself as well as the 16 'partners' I managed. Again, I cried. I stressed. I did not allow the Divine to do Her work without question.

Since I moved back to the New Orleans area, I wanted to live back in the city. It's nothing like New Orleans. I was living in Houston two years ago. I hustled and made money. I was unhappy because Houston could not compare to New Orleans. Nothing compares to the stroll around the bayou in Mid-City meditating becoming one with the Divine. I would bike around town without a care in the world. I would walk here and walk there. In Kenner, the 'burbs, it is not conducive to walk anywhere. There's nothing but major streets like Williams Boulevard, West Esplanade, Veterans Highway and Loyola. A lot of traffic control these streets, and nothing seems settled. New Orleans has a small town 'every person' feel with a big city nightlife. It's the dichotomy that makes it so special.

I've been talking about moving back to New Orleans again for awhile. I know what it means to miss New Orleans even in Kenner. With this transfer to a new store in New Orleans, it makes the move easier and necessary. I should have trust the Divine knew what She was doing. I questioned about what was going on. I was finally coming into my own. I was doing what I needed to do for myself. When change would happen, I would blame the Devil. I've realized that God is allowing this to happen to make way for BETTER. I'm closer to my friends. I'm closing to nature. I'm closer to the things I wanted to get back to when I moved back to the New Orleans area two years ago.

Be careful what you pray for because you will get it. It's usually not the way you expect it, but it's the way you need it.

Let Me Be Present

Yesterday I was sitting with a friend, and we were talking about a problem he had. Out of no where came the answer. It was not something I thought about, but I believe that the answer manifested through me. I never knew the shyt I went through during my childhood would ever be beneficial to me or anyone else for that matter. Everything happens for a reason! It was through my experiences that I could converse with my friend and shed some light on his troubles. My wisdom came from the trials and tribulations of being from a single-parent household and being from a child of chemically-dependent parents. I know I could have been definitely worse than I am, but through prayers (others' and my own) I did not turn out too bad. The damage could have corroded my sense of purpose and reality.

My extended family made up for some of the hurt and loss I felt. However, nothing can truly make up for the absence of your biological parents. Don't get me wrong I had great stand-ins like my grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends and even teachers. Something cannot substitute the longing for your own parents. My mother was there physically at times but emotionally empty. As I grew up I realized that she had her own demons that she projected unto me. Financially, she gave me everything that money could buy. She spoiled me to point of no return. Maybe that's probably why I find solace in shopping when I am upset or happy. When I was growing up, Idid a lot with my mom. We would go to the Audubon Zoo. We would stroll through the French Quarter. We would go to Chuck E. Cheese. While we did those things, my only recollections are from old pictures. However, the recollections of my grandmother taking care of me when I was sick, allowing me to sit on her lap and discuss my day, helping me with my homework (even though she only had a 8th grade education), and the like are vivid my mind. My grandparents and the rest of my extended were 'being present.'

As a kid all we remember was how present our parents were. 'Being present' has nothing to do with being physically there, but how involved a parent/caregiver is. My mother was 'present' when I excelled which was sports and school. My mother was my biggest fan. She would holler and scream at the officials and sometimes the opponents when I was on the court or field. She would bring the Gatorade and bring other kids home afterward. She was that 'cool' mom every person said they wanted. Sometimes I was conflicted because everyone was saying she was 'cool' and wanted to believe that, too. Not to say that my mom was awful (far from that), but we had our moments. For the everyday stuff, my mom wasn't 'present.' I lived with my grandparents. Growing up my mom worked an overnight job at the post office from 10pm - 7am. When she got off of work, she would rush to bring me to school until she was in an awful car accident (taking away the car and our time with each other). That accident forced me on the RTA, public transportation and a new school at 9 years old. Without the car I didn't spend as much time with my mom even when she was off. I don't know why. I began to resent my mom during this time.

Where was my dad? He was always in and out. I would see him then nothing. When I began to resent my mom, I wanted my dad to be my knight in shining armor and rescue me from my perception of 'hell.' He never came. I didn't feel needed or wanted. My self-esteem started to plummet. I started to listen to what the outside world said about me more than my family. I thought they were just being nice. I didn't listen to the Divine when I prayed at night. Nothing mattered because I was ugly, fat and unloved. This was my perceptions. But now as I think about it, it was never my reality.

It was during this time that my caregivers fostered my love of music. My mom bought me drums one Christmas. She also bought me this record player which I would take the records in the house and play it. It didn't matter what genre. I listened to it all. My grandmother bought my first cd ever (Color Me Badd... don't judge me :)) My grandfather bought my first portable cd player. As I grew up, my grandparents would allow me to play the music as loud as I wanted. During these times I would close my eyes and sing (or rap) the lyrics to those songs and close out the rest of the world. I loved music so much that I would save my lunch money just to go to Tower Records and get a cd. Music became my refuge from the insanity called life. The grandparents' wisdom understood that. My grandfather was a jazz aficionado. To this day just to be close to him I sit and listen to all of the jazz greats such as Billie Holiday, John Coltrane, Miles Davis and even some Louis Armstrong. I appreciate jazz because I would like to be closer to my 'PawPaw' as I called my grandfather. It's that feeling of being appreciated and loved that I want. I still do that today.

Now I understand that I have to be 'present' in all of my relationships. I have to give of myself to every deserving relationship. I have to learn that I have to love unconditionally. I have to love for loving not for love in return. I have the love I need (God's and self-love). I have to understand that I am a Divine manifestation. It's not about the material things, but what I can give to the world. It's about being as I was born to be. This blog is therapeutic for me because it allows me to face the many things I tried to keep a secret. With my transparency I am. I AM. It's time to start living instead of just existing.

The Truth is God Believes in Me

"The truth is God believes in me."

If I truly internalize this, you think I wouldn't come up short on anything. I wouldn't feel like I needed to be more or better. If I believed this, I would I understand that I am exactly where I needed to be without any regrets. Somewhere in my childhood I began to lose my 'I don't give a f*ck' swag. I started to place all of my dreams in the hopes that I would be accepted. The irony is I stopped accepting myself as is. I became that adult that I hated, the one that manipulated to get what she wanted and the one that only saw herself in the eyes of others. That person wore a mask of lies and hurt. It is time for me to reveal the person that I was born to be. I know that I hid behind the lies to cover up my deficiencies. The truth lurked around, and I chose not to see it. The truth smacked me across my face a couple of times. I kept turning the other cheek, but I cannot run from the truth. It'll still be there when I wake from this nightmare called 'unfulfilled dreams.' Now let me face the truth. Truth is I've allowed fear to run my life. No longer shall fear render me defenseless. It's time for me to stand up and be counted.

In my childhood I remember my mother saying that I can be anything I wanted to be, but she didn't think that of herself. She settled. I realize that I settle. I get comfortable in a certain situation. The outside world of racism, homophobia and/or sexism does not defer my dreams. I do. I have to apologize first to myself then to the many who have crossed those barriers to make it easier for me. I have to apologize to my grandparents, aunts and uncles, Audre Lorde, Langston Hughes, James Baldwin, Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr., just to name a few. My apology will only be complete when I get off my butt and do something. It's through my actions can I really learn not to settle. I have to find fulfillment and happiness in everything I do. You know when you love what you do that it is not work anymore. It is pure joy. I want to create that. I have to get the negativity out of my life (even at work). It is not what is just happening but how I react to the negativity. I have to be that light that illuminates throughout the darkness. I have to be the shining light that permeates the negativity of uncertainty. It is then that I can truly be happy.

My happiness is connected to my ability to keep moving forward. I have to accomplish my goals that I have set for myself. I have to make small goals to reach the bigger ones. I have to hold myself accountable and responsible for my well-being. It is that light within that has to shine when there's nothing but doubt, anger and hate. This new way of thinking and action has to be rooted in love. I'm not speaking of the mushy, always good feeling kind of love. I'm talking about the love that demands respect, seeks knowledge, offers companionship, understands, and gives itself to the nurturing of oneself and of others that deem appropiate. It is through this love that honesty can reign. This love will honor oneself and the Divine at the same time. This love will make sure that doubt, anger and hate does not rear its ugly head. If it does, this love will fight with a ferocity never seen to bring us back to state of calm, understanding and trust.

Now I understand that God believes in me. I have all the tools to go out and "just do it" (Nike plug...I need to get paid for this).

Finding the Genius within You

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I just watched the Spike Lee movie, Malcolm X. I hadn't watched that movie in years. I remember when I was in high school I read that book every summer. Once school ended for the year I read that book to find my strength. I stopped doing that along the way. I started to caring more about superficial bullshyt. As I've gone through life, I realize two things: 1. We all are going through some inner turmoil, and 2. All we want is love. I need to let the superficial bullshyt go. I started caring about what car I drove when before I didn't have a car. I started caring about what clothes I wore when I looked good with my style. I started to care about how big my television was when I do not like to watch TV. I began to do the things I hated to get accepted when it was my unique, personal style that got me the attention. I wasn't like the others and now I strive to be like them. Let it go. I have to let it go. I have to let go the world expectations. There's only one plan, God's.

You know this journey is a lonely one. It is when we are alone and we meditate that we can listen to the Divine. It is then that I can understand that the outside world doesn't mean anything to me. I have to live for God and myself. Yesterday a friend called me a genius because I believe 'in the moment,' and I love 'in the moment.' Wow, genius is never a word that I would describe myself. Today I can receive it as a compliment. Today narcissism is my friend, for I am a genius (even if it's only in my mind). If I don't believe in myself, who will? I got my swag back. It was missing because I was walking on eggshells. Either love me or leave me alone. I only want people in my life that can support me in my genius. We often get caught up in having friends that are like us. We all have that person that is nothing like us, but they give us what we need when we need it. It might be that 'Pookie' that tells us the truth when our 'yes ma'am' and 'yes sir' people are not around. We all have them. We can celebrate them because it is what they bring to my life.

Right now though I am celebrating ME. I forgot to do that. I am lovable. I am intelligent. I am sexy. I am Anisa Kenyatta Parks. I am a walking contradiction. I am a lesbian. I am a daughter. I am sister. I am lover. I am a friend. While I haven't always been the best person to myself and to others, I forgive myself and hopefully others who I've trespassed against will forgive me. Now I sit here writing. God is saving me. I need my order back. I feel my grandmother is looking at my apartment shaking her head, "I taught you better. Clean that house." I feel my grandfather is looking down shaking his head, "I taught you better. Love yourself like you love music." I don't talk about my grandparents much anymore because I feel like I haven't lived up to their expectations. I realize that I haven't lived up to my expectations at all.

Love yourself like you love music. Hmm, if you knew me then you know that music is my savior. When I was upset, I would listen to music, and it would calm me. It would shelter me from the evil world. Music was my escape mechanism. I would lock my bedroom door and turn the music up and forget about all of my problems. I would sing or rap at the top of my lungs without a care in the world. I listen to music for various reasons. A beat, lyrics, story behind song, melody and the voice can capture my attention. Yes, I listen to bounce. It's naturally N'awlins. It's a part of the New Orleans tradition. But back to the matter at hand, I have to love myself like I love music. With its flaws there's beauty. I have to find my beauty and genius within me despite my flaws. It's those flaws that make me beautifully human (as Jill Scott said). I AM A GENIUS. Are you?

My Voice!

In spring of '95 I took an Intro to Engineering class at the University of Oklahoma. The name of the professor slips my mind, but I remember his odd homework assignment. He told us to read the Dr. Seuss's Oh, The Places You'll Go! I liked Dr. Seuss. You know all the favorites like Green Eggs and Ham, Cat in the Hat, and The Grinch that Stole Christmas. I read them as a small child. I refused to read that book for an Engineering class. What did that have to do with anything? I questioned silently. There were 10 questions about the book on the final exam. I made a B. Wow! I never mad a B in this class. My professor came up to me and told me that I would have had an A if I read the book. He told me that he would allow me to take that part over if I read the book. Since I knew I would get an "A" for reading a children's book, I went to the library and read the book. It was one of the best books I've ever read. That Dr. Seuss was a genius.

Years later I was in Barnes & Noble with a friend of mine, and I told her about the book and what it meant to me. We left the bookstore, and she presented the book to me. She scribed in the book, "May the friends you meet along your journey continue to inspire you..." I still have this book. Those words resonate even today. I have friends that came in my life for whatever reason (season, lifetime). I have some friends that I do not know what I would do without their love, support and open honesty. Our friendships are co-dependent. We understand that we have to shoulder some bs (emotional, financial, spiritual) for the other. We do it without a problem because we love each other unconditionally. No barriers. No walls. We take each other with flaw and all. I really didn't want to quote Beyonce, but so be it.

Oh, the places I've been. I've thought about my personal journey that lead me to the University of Oklahoma. I think about all the decisions I've made. My grandmother used to say, "You are exactly where you need to be in life, for God has a plan." I talk to God every day. I rarely have been still to listen though. I have to learn to be still and receive the Divine. I continuously want to move, but all of the answers are there. I just have to listen and act accordingly. This transparency is to allow myself to show to the world that my feelings are valid. They are. I feel therefore I am. I am therefore I act. I act to give myself a voice.

My voice is...

Stop Meddling! Let the Divine Work!

While I've been trying to let go and let God, I've been meddling in the Divine's business without success. I've been stressing about what's next for me and where my partners (Starbucks employees) are going. I've been stressing about my love life. I really do not have time to tell you the play-by-play details of it. I've been stressing about money. Debt! Debt! Debt! I've had the answers for all of these things, but I want to meddle. I have to trust the Divine. I have to meditate more. I have to 'be still' and listen to what the Divine is telling me. I have to understand that I have to continue to live and trust that my life is going as planned. I have to make sacrifices. I have to be honest about myself and my financial situation to get out of the ever-evolving debt. I have to save for the future I want.

I have a friend that is happy where she is. She does not have nearly what I have, but she smiles with such inner awareness. Her light shines through, and I want to be around it. This friend thinks I want to be around it for 'alternative motives'. I guess I do. I want her inner strength to rub off of me. I do not have to be this or that. I just have to be me. I cannot place a monetary value on my contribution to the world. I am priceless. There is no amount of money that can be placed on my value. I have to keep telling myself that. I am open to receive so much. Things fall apart over and over again, but they are put back together. I am bending not breaking each time. I'm getting stronger with every situation because I am learning what I need to know.

Yesterday I was happy because I placed all of my employees into other stores since my store is closing. I was worried where they would land. I called around. I bargained with other managers. I've pleaded to get them place and what happened. This one girl is like I want to go with this one. I don't understand. She does not understand that I am trying. I am trying to do what's best for the employees, but I am limited. I don't get to say, "You go there, and you go here." I'm emotionally drained. This process seems like everything is falling apart, but I know there is a silver lining there anyway. I just don't know what it is. I don't care what it is. I have to let go and allow my lesson(s) be taught to me.

I don't break. I bend. I bend far back because I am flexible. I am flexible to take it. Bring it on because I am ready to do the work to be the best I can be.