Stop Living by Default

My pursuit of happyness continues, for my eyes opened to a new day. One thing I've learned in the recent past is happyness comes from within. I'm learning about myself everyday. I look in the mirror and sometimes it's painful, for some stuff I don't like about myself. As I stated last night in a conversation with a friend, I have two options: change what I don't like or stay as is. Either way I should shut up about it. My pursuit of happyness is about action, just doing it. Sometimes we falter, but we can learn from those mistakes and move on. To be stagnant is death, a slow death in a mundane life. I don't know about you, but I wasn't born to live a mundane existence. If that's the case God could made me a rock. I was given life full of choices. It's time for me to use them.

Some scientists argue about what makes humans different from other living things. Some say that the main difference is humans have a soul. That may be true, but I would say that we have choices. We get second chances every day. We can right a wrong with a phone call. We can admit our mistakes and choose another way. We can live a different life if we want. If we are overweight, we can make the conscious choice of eating better and exercising. If we are stagnant at a job, we can decide to look for other options such as going back to school or applying to other jobs. As humans we have choices. I have to remember that and make them. When I do not like something about my life, it's up to me to choose to change it. I have to stop living by default. That's not living. It's time.

Honoring... by Living!

I'm back at work. Today was my first day back. While I was on my hiatus, I realized a few things. I realized how short time can be. I realized that I need to begin my life as I want it. It's up to me to change my life. Yesterday I walked in CC's (my old store), and one of my old customers saw me. I hadn't seen her since Katrina. We exchanged pleasantries. She asked about schoool. I told her I finished at Dillard in 2005. Then she asked about graduate school. I got uneasy. She told me all of the upsides to it. I listened. Actually, she told me that I better get back in school next fall. I thought about it.

I'm still thinking about it. I know there's a life I want, and there's a life I'm living. Those two are not the same. I am moving toward what I want. I have to move toward it. I have to understand that I'm the only one who can change my situation. My happiness. My joy lives within me. It's up to me to do this. I need to move forward and get what's rightfully mine, the life I was born to live. I feel it within me. I know it is. I cannot be afraid of failure. Failure cannot hold me captive in a life of normalcy, for I am remarkable, and my life should be regarded as such. I cannot. I will not accept anything less.

One step at a time. That's all I need is one step at a time. I have to understand that baby steps count, too. When it's too hard, I have to lean on my Higher Power. When I don't think I can go any longer, I have to know that I am strong, for I am made in God's image. There's nothing weak about God. There's nothing weak about Anisa Kenyatta Parks. Nothing! There's nothing weak about Booker T. Washington. W. E. B. DuBois. Harriet Tubman. Frederick Douglass. Marcus Garvey. Martin Luther King, Jr. Coretta Scott King. Malcolm X. Betty Shabazz. Sidney Poitier. Nikki Giovanni. Angela Davis. Assata Shakur. The Black Panthers. Bill and Camille Cosby. Dr. Benjamin Carson. Dr. Michael Eric Dyson. Colin Powell. Oprah Winfrey. Tyler Perry. Barack and Michelle Obama. I can go on forever. But there's nothing weak about my grandparents, James and Ella Williams and the seven children they birthed. My mother, Gaynell Williams. My brother, Amir J. Williams. In the words of Antwon Fisher, "I'm still standing. I'm strong." I had many footsteps to follow. I appreciate and honor them as I continue this journey to redemption.

Honesty...

Yesterday I went through the process of 'coming clean' with a friend. I did, and I think I've lost her forever. It's okay though because I had to be honesty with her. I owed that to her. I owed that to myself. This past week I've reviewed my life. Some things I'm very proud about, and some things I'm not so happy about. The reality of all is all of these are me. They all are a part of me. If I have things I want to change, I have to change them no matter what the repercussions are. Does it hurt? Hell yes. I couldn't do anymore not to her. She gave me her all, and I was giving well less than that. I faltered because I didn't want to deal the painful entities about myself. I didn't want to uncover the mask of heroism that she could see past anyway because she was my friend.

My eyes well up thinking that I've lost someone so wonderful. The consolation was she was happy that I was finally forthright and honest with her, but maybe just maybe it was too late (for her). That was a consequence that I had to risk because I couldn't go on like that anymore. I had to open up and uncover the layers. Risky? Yes. Painful? Of course. Worth it? Yes. In the wake I know that I have to be honest if it hurt either one of us because in the end we will both hurt. Or maybe I've saved our relationship, but it will take time to repair. I will put forth the blood, sweat and tears to make that happen because she is worth it.

I know some will read this and think this is some romantic thing. It's not. It's about loving anyone. She deserves me to love her with all that's me. She has rocked my soul with her honesty and love. I don't want her to take that away from me. If she has to, I understand. I hope she doesn't.

Share with the World

Last week I had my 33rd birthday. It was a time of reflection and remembrance. There's a lot about my life that I truly love. I love my family and friends that I've allowed in my life. I love my passion for music. I love my passion for people. I love my passion for love. However, there are parts of my life that I would like to change. I have to act on that. Only action will take care of that. I've been pussy-footing for a minute, but it's time to get this right. I have everything I need, for I am a God's child.

I received a card on my birthday that stated that I was 'wonderfully made,' 'gifted,' 'chosen,' 'loved,' 'beautiful,' 'accepted,' and 'valued' because that who I truly am. I was humbled and excited to know that someone in the universe that about me like that. But I realized that many think about me like that. Now it's time for me to think in those terms about myself. I am wonderfully made. I am gifted. I am chosen. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am accepted and valued. Sometimes we forget that because we don't have what we want, but we always have what we need. At times we measure our success by society's standard of money, fame and power. As we see everyday those become overrated. Betrayal, hypocrisy and treachery rule the world of money, fame and power.

I thought I wanted that life. I want to be joyful. I want to have joy in my life. I want to continue to have the few friends that I do. I want to make my dreams come true. I don't care how outrageous they are, for I have the tools to make them a reality. Everyone has the ability to make their dreams come true. We all are 'chosen' for we all were born into this life of choice. We have the choice to be happy. We cannot and should not go by society's standards. They are skewed. We have look inside to truly see what we are here to shard with the world. I share with you love, wisdom and hope. What are you sharing with the world?

Keeping It Simple

I've been listening to a lot of mixtapes lately. It's just a phase. I'll probably be on jazz or alternative next week. I heard the new song, Jeremih's I'mma Star (Remix) with Juelz Santana. I was thinking I am a star among stars. We are all stars actually. We are all originals. We are all are one of a kinds, alive to offer a unique and special gift. I realized I am as God created me to be. All of the struggles and tribulations that come my way came because God made me strong enough to deal with all of it. Everything is just temporary. I have to get through it to find the pearl (the lesson), for everything that happens is for my personal growth.

God shows you as much as you're willing to take. Have you ever had an opportunity that you was not prepared for? We all have. If our lives unfolded before we were ready, many times we would be devastated. Our life unfolds as it should. My grandmother spoke wisdom when she said, "You are exactly where you supposed to be." I'm here because I'm still learning and growing. With wisdom, strength, faith and action, I will achieve anything I set out to do. I have to continue to investigate internally and see why I am my own hindrance. Am I truly frightened that I am powerful beyond measure? Still questions linger in my head. I will say that I'm closer to the answers than I was when I started this journey.

I have to continue this journey to self-discovery. This will lead to finding joy in my life. I want to get to the point that I am joyful about life. I find balance between personal life, professional life, maintaining a healthy lifestyle,and my dreams. I can work on all three with such fierceness. Balance requires only that you make a conscious effort to enjoy what you are doing, and that you learn to be present in every aspect of life, for some portion of each day that you are life. Rest. Work. Play. Dream. Make dreams come true. Serve. Work out. Eat right. Pray. Write. Read. Listen to music. Tweet. Blog. And the many more things that I enjoy in my life. One thing I realized that I have to eliminate all the unnecessary bs that clutters your day.

Simplicity. You remember when life was simple. You remember when you didn't care about what others thought. For those of us who went through Katrina many of us shopped at Wal-Mart to just clothe ourselves. We didn't care what others thought because we were going through Katrina's aftermath. We didn't care about our stuff. It was about family, friends and their safety. Nothing else mattered. It's crazy to think we didn't learn from Katrina. This week I'm giving up all of unneccesary bs. I'm de-cluttering my life. I will be on Facebook and cutting down my friends. I'm only keeping the people I talk to on a regular basis. I have to have some kind of connection with them. I'm de-cluttering my life. Anything unneccessary will be GONE! Keeping it simple.

So I Write

I'm back. I hadn't written in awhile because I had been doing some things, but I'm back. I'm back because I miss writing in the morning before my hussle and bussle of a day. It relaxes me. It calms me before I have to deal with customers who thinks the world revolves around them. I cater to them from 9 to 5, my office hours then the world is mine. Writing is my beginning, my calm before the storm. So I write. I write because I can get whatever is off my chest OFF! I write because it is a release in a form of expression, my expression. I write because I've been doing it so long that it's my way of communicating.

When I was kid I hated reading and writing. It wasn't fun until an uncle told me that I didn't connect to what I was reading. I didn't think I had anything in common with Shakespeare. Little did I know that Shakespeare ran the gambit of emotions we all feel as humans: betrayal, love, infidelity, hope, distrust, cross-dressing (funny!), etc. It all made sense. My teacher Ms. Fairchild introduced me to Shakespeare. My favorite play is As You Like It. I haven't read that in a long time. This Friday I think I'm going to pick up at Barnes & Noble. I love to comedies and tragedies. Shakespeare showed the range of emotions, and I identified with them. I identified with Hamlet, for he had so misfortune that he didn't he was worthy of love. I identified with Othello, for he couldn't see past his conscious, Iago. Unlike these tragic characters, I see that I am special and can rise beyond the tragedy of life.

So I write for my soul to drown my sorrows. I write to understand that I have something worthy to say to world. I write to remember. I write to identify what I am feeling. I write to see the my words on a paper, for it's my words, my thoughts. I am writing to share with you all that I am. So I write.