My Journey

There is a Divine Order to everything in life. It is for this reason that exactly where you are at any given time in life is exactly where you should be according to the Divine unfolding of your consciousness and life.

It's not about what I want, but what I can handle at any particular time in my life. I'm going on a journey of truth. This truth will bring me total awareness, love and respect for the Divine. I will live my life according to the Truth of the Divine. I cannot think about what I have not done thus far. I have to think about what I can do now to ensure my future is bright. I cannot allow my past to dictate my future. I cannot allow generational hang-ups to dictate it either. I have to believe that I can break a pattern of victimization, lack of self-love and drive to become a divine woman.

Many teachers said, "Follow your first thought" when I was doing a test. I never thought I was good enough so I often changed the answer to the wrong one. I never had complete faith in myself. I often was told that I was intelligent, but it didn't matter because I didn't believe it. Maybe it wasn't that I didn't believe it, but I wanted more. I wanted to be intelligent, sexy and beautiful all at the same thing. I realize now that I was all of those things. I should not need external confirmation. All I need is an internal affirmation. We all have days that we are not the most beautiful, but that's when we pray and then meditate to reaffirm what we already know is truth. Now I have to take every day with the strength and knowledge how great I am.

'You must do your own independent investigation of truth.' Powerful words that shows that we all are on a journey to uncovering truth about universal laws. Only way you know that you have found truth is that it will set you free. The truth will free you from habitual fears the process of life can impose upon you. The truth will eliminate your need to be anything other than what you already are... DIVINE. The truth is we have everything we need right now. We have to use our talents and abilities to best of our abilities. We have to ask the Divine for guidance and strength to fulfill our prophecy in life.

I have to remind myself daily that I am the perfect and unique representative of all that the Divine is. I am equipped to handle anything that is thrown my way. This process will help me remember and practice the truth of my soul. Just support me on my journey. Thank you!

Same-Sex Marriage, a hot button issue

Yesterday I watched Dr. Phil. I know. I know. You're like Dr. Phil is wack. I said the same thing, but it was the subject that caught my attention. It was about same-sex marriage and the importance of Prop 8. Dr. Phil brought together key players of each side of this controversial and emotionally-charged issue. In support of gay marriage is attorney Gloria Allred, president of the Human Rights Campaign and equal rights advocate Joe Solmonese and San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom. Opposing gay marriage is pastor of Skyline Church Jim Garlow, president of the National Organization of Marriage Margaret Gallagher and co-campaign manager for the Yes on 8 Campaign Jeff Flint. As an lesbian I feel that it is my constitutional right to love and be with whomever I desire. This is America, and we can have emotionally-charged discussions about this subject. While I watched the show all I saw was to continuously forcing a will on the other side. There was no understanding. You can say what you will about your position. For a discussion the work we have to listen the other side. It’s a hot-button topic in California and around the country: The passage of Proposition 8, which reinstated a ban on same-sex marriage. Supporters of this initiative voted to preserve the sanctity of marriage solely between a man and a woman. Opponents of Prop 8 say it violates the constitutional rights of the gay community and that America’s laws should treat everyone equally.

There's many people who believe that the institution of marriage is a very sacred and religious entity between man and woman. I disagree, but if you give me the same rights under the word, 'civil union.' Let's take a step forward. Many times activists get hung up on symantics. One of the major underlining problem is that a gay or lesbian couple can be together for a number of years (10, 20, 30...) and will not have rights at the hospital (They are not immediate family), over the house they built together, children they raised together or these issues. I do not care if you do not like me as a lesbian. If I choose to love a woman, that's my decision. If I choose to give my partner an inheritance, I should not have to go through legal hoops to do so. It is not fair for a family that has disowned a gay man be given legal rights of his property just because he doesn't have legal documentation that says he was his 'partner' for life.

The advocates of Prop 8 does not want sanctions against its clergy if same-sex marriages are allowed, and they do not perform these marriages (civil unions). Let's not force them to do so. For now I think they should be legislation that states that there won't be sanctions or recourse to these clergy who feels so strongly about it. There are celebrations of same-sex unions in every city. If gays/lesbians want to get marriaged or a civil union, there will be someone to do it.

I read recently on a blog on Facebook from a former classmate on how being gay was an abomination to God. I simply respond to that like this, "Don't throw stones when your house is made of glass." These religous people all have something to say, but they have their skeletons in their closets. I am just out of the closet, and willing to face whatever persecution that come my way. I pray every day. I meditate every day. I am a child of God. As Tupac said, "Only God can judge me."

Back to this subject at hand, I don't think we should force people to marry gays/lesbians. We should have the constitutional right in our 'pursuit of happiness." Let me leave you with this. How does a lesbian/gay union affect the institution of marriage?

Laughter

Do you forget to laugh? Where's the laughter? I enjoy laughing. I laugh with myself. I laugh with my family and friends. Sometimes we forget to laugh. We start thinking about everything that we do not have. Our short term memory (selective amnesia) makes us forget about all the blessings we receive. When we wake up that morning, we have to realize that we could change our lives with action. Just doing gives us possibilities. Our possibilities are endless. Endless possibilities gives me hope and faith that tomorrow can be a better day. Renew your faith. Renew your happiness. Understand that laughter is allowing yourself to feel joy (if only for a brief moment). As a child I remember laughing without any recourse. Throughout the years my mother would tell me that I was laughing too much. I had to get serious. I began to smile less. I wasn't happy. I was focused on everything except me. I was focused on making money, finding a career, finding a relationship, etc. It took some time, but I realized that I need to work on me and everything else will come in its due time.

About five years ago I started to laugh again. I laughed loudly and consistently. It was during this time I met Iran, Jason and Wayne. We would meet up at CC's (I worked there) and talk about love, sex, politics, music, movies, etc. We conversed about life. For the first time in my life I knew people that understood me. It was great! Then the crew got bigger and bigger. We had Anita, Dwan, Catherine, Rian, 'Z', Keithen, Quendi, Chuck Perkins, and many more. One person would show up. It would be just two of us then next thing you knew it was eight of us living. We found solace in this. We found energy. We laughed. I laughed heartedly. This is when I learned more about myself. I realized that my possibilities were endless, for my friends kept telling me so. They encouraged me, but they also told me the truth as painful as that was. Sometimes the truth came with the laughter. Now I sit back and think about the 'forever' friendships that were formed at CC's Gourmet Coffee, and I smile. No, I laugh. Through these relationships and friendships I learn about what kind of person I was born to be. How great is that!

Thanksgiving

On Thanksgiving we are supposed to give thanks for the joys of life. We do, but the rest of the 364 days of the year we forget about Thanksgiving. As humans we complain about what we do not have instead of be thankful (grateful) for what we do. We have life. With life we can recreate our lives everday. We can experience life in the ways we would like. We can eat new foods starting today, starting now. We can drive a new direction if we would like. We can call our family and friends more starting with one call. We can always choose something different when we wake up. I am choosing today as the day I surrender my life to the Divine. I've been going through life asking the Divine for what I want. I should have been asking what I was born to be. With that fate I am asking God to allow me to see it and be that. I want to be according to the Divine's will. I have to grateful to be alive. I have to be grateful for every gift and ability life affords me. Right now is all I have. Today, I will plant the seeds of gratitude in my life, knowing and believing that they will bloom to the goodness and glory of the Divine.

This gratitude has to expand the way I think about myself. There's nothing I can dream that God hasn't dream for me. Anything is possible. I can be whatever the Divine wants me to be. I can be the vessel to facilitate the Divine's law of truth. I have to live that truth. I have to commit myself to the will of the Divine. I have to live without fear of death. Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and Ghandi are perfect examples of living without fear of death. Their short lives have had so much impact on the people who they personally touch, but their philosophies and lives are standard we all can obtain. We have to live each day as if it is our last. Don't just think about calling your mom and telling her you love her. Do it! You never know when it's your last day or her last day on Earth. When you're thinking about changing the course of your life, do it! There's no time better than the present to do the things you want to do. And each time you change, be grateful that you lived one more day to fulfill the promise of your life.

God and Relationships

'No matter what you can ask for, it is only a microscopic view of what God wants to give you!'
-Marianne Williamson

A friend of mine, Leterance Thatch, wrote a beautiful blog about the importance of self-love and loving God and everything else will fall into place. I love the post because it spoke of truth and from the heart. Terance considered himself a 'vessel for God.' He is because this Divine wisdom spoke down and grabbed my heart. For years I've contemplated more about my romantic relationships than anything else. It will come if I am patience and have faith in God. God knows what's best for me so I should listen and wait. It's crazy.

I've been trying so hard that I've been losing myself in the process. I am a 'vessel of Divinity.' I am the light that shines. I have to be. I am a Divinity incarnate. While these affirmations for myself, it is also the truth. I am made in the image of God. Therefore, I am divine. This is something I cannot forget. When it seems that I do, I need to meditate (be still and listen to God) so I can hear the truth one more time. We often veer on the wrong path, but it's our responsibility to go back to God. As humans we can recreate our lives everyday we are living. That is such a wonderful thing. It's a responsibility that God bestowed on us. We are miracles because we are here. We have to understand that it's our time to shine (every day).

When God sends me my soulmate, I will be ready because this time is my preparation. Every relationship good and bad is my preparation for the one that God created just for me. Thank you, God, for loving me that much. Now I'm working on me and doing the things I was born to do so I can have all the things God wants for me. It's in YOUR hands.

A Chance to Change

Dear God,

I confess that I have not always been as careful as I should've been with my heart. From time to time, my desire for love has caused me to leave my heart in the wrong hands. I now commit my heart into Your hands for safekeeping. Please help me to stop being so impulsive with what you deem so precious. As I learn to celebrate Your love for me, let me learn from Your example what a bridegroom should really be like. Help me to never settle for less than what you desire for me. As I embrace You as the Lover of my soul, keep my affections in the haven of Your own heart. As I rest in Your love, make me more discriminating of those who approach me. I ask that You take over this area of my life. Keep me from those You know would hurt my heart. I invite You to set a hedge around me and keep me from all who would draw me into unfruitful relationships until the day you present me to the mate that You have selected for me. Grant me the discernment to recognize him as he recognizes me. Cleanse me from the temptation to typecast the men I meet according to what I see. Help me to trust in Your knowledge and lean not on my own understanding. I know that You know what is best for me; therefore I yield to Your choice.

Faithfully yours,
The Destiny

This was a poem I saw on one of my FB friends notes. I must say that we do get into relationships that don't benefit our hearts. Most of the time we are looking for someone else to give us something we should have for ourselves, love. Often times we are stuck into what is what we want not what we need. It's a process to love someone. It's a process to love yourself. I cannot imagine not having a few select people in my life. You know what God put them in my life at the right time for all of us. It's hard to differentiate between truth and fiction when you have blinders on. We have to take those blinders off and allow God to speak us (meditation). Let's be still just for a second to understand why we meet certain people. You ever wanted to the best for someone you've loved even when it hurts you. That's a selfless act. I want to be selfish with my feelings when it is not in my best interest to be selfless for a person. I want to be selfless when it comes to God. I need to surrender to God's will. I have to understand that I am living on borrowed time, but there's a reason I am here. God, I'm asking you to give me my reason so I can flourish. Thank you for my life. Thank you for the chance to change. It's only through the God's strength and love can I be the woman I was born to be.

Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

I am writing you this letter because we have always had a tumultuous relationship throughout the years. Your addictions have halted me. For years I thought I did something wrong. I was the cause of your drug addiction. With help you curbed the drub addiction. I was proud of you, but I've realized that you replaced it with alcohol. I could tell you how harmful that is, but you know what you are doing to your body. You already know.

At times I do not know how to deal with you. My childhood has great and wonderful memories sprinkled in with painful ones. I used to focus on the painful ones, but I will say that you did the best you could. Not being proud you allowed my grandparents to be my primary caregivers because you knew your limits. That's a wonderful thing. Sometimes I used to resent that, but I now know that you know what you could and couldn't handle. You did what was best for me. That selfless act enabled me to have a 'close to normal' childhood. And I thank you.

I remember the times when I was around three and four. We would go to the zoo, hang out in the French Quarters, go to Chuck E. Cheese or just hang out. It was just the two of us. We would go everywhere during the summer. I remember on a whim Linda and you taking me to Destin, FL on Memorial weekend. Yes, we couldn't find a hotel, but we found a motel next to a married couple. I remember that. I don't remember how old I was. I remember I had fun in the sun. I remember going to Disney World a couple of times with/without you. We went to Astroworld when we visited Ca. We would get in a car and just drive to our destination. As I got older, you sent me to Houston, D.C. area and Philly. I was exposed to so much stuff. I have you to thank for that.

For years I've focused on the negative, but you are the reason I am the person I am. You have nurtured me as you could. At 32 I realized that we all are human. I could focus on the negative, but why? I know my boundaries with you. I could keep telling you to stop 'killing yourself slowly,' but why? All I'm going to do is pray for you. I want God to keep you safe because you haven't seen it all. There's things you still have to do. There's people who love you. I am one of them. I know I don't tell you all of the time, but I do. I love you, mom. Even though how tumultuous our relationship has been I've realized that I don't say that to you. You deserve that because with your flaws and all you are still beautifully human, and you are my mother. Thank you for loving me. I'm learning to love you unconditionally because I'm learning to love myself unconditionally. I've taken the blame from you and placed it on myself. So again, I love you.

Love,
Your Daughter,
Anisa Kenyatta Parks

WE THE BEST

Relationships are interesting. You meet someone. You connect and then you find out you have nothing in common. The initial meeting is a heavenly wonderment of exciting conversation and fun flirting. Then you continue to converse and learn more and more about each other. You like what you hear and vice versa. Or do you? She's cute. He's cute. He/she has a nice job or going to school. Both of you have big dreams. You look over some stuff he/she does. It's no big deal. That's what you try to tell yourself. Then you're dating for a few months, and it seems that you don't know 'this' person at all. You question why you ever got in that relationship. You continue to stay in this relationship because of all the time and energy you have put in it. Then years go by and you continue to wonder.

We need to understand that when we meet people we usually meet their 'representative' (as my boy Jason says). We rarely meet the real people because most people are scared that their 'realness' is not good enough. It is what it is. I've decided that my representative is in retirement because I am wonderful as I am. My time is important so who I spend it with is instrumental. I have so much I want to do. I know what I want. I know who I want (at least what kind of person that is). I deserve the best. I realized that I will not accept anything less than the best for myself. In the immortal words of DJ Khaled, "WE THE BEST!" I am the best, and I deserve it. If you do not believe that, it's not my fault you don't know what the best looks like.

Greatness or BUST!

While eating pineapples and drinking white wine in the backyard we affectionately call, "Heaven," we had a roundtable. What's a roundtable? It's a conversation amongst friends that can go on for hours about any and every topic. Since I digressed let me get to the subject at hand. One hot topic is Barack Obama. We all chimed in about the importance of this black man as President of the United States. One of my friends commented how he set the standard of job etiquette as relation to your interaction with others at your job. One thing he said that he learned that he did not have to dignify everyone with a response especially since they obviously did not understand his job description. Another friend announced that Barack Obama's calm demeanor helped her remain calm in inflammatory incidents. This 'coolness' exemplified his self-confidence, his 'swag.'

As black professionals the racist system challenges us everyday. The system challenges us, but our own challenges us as well. A lot of times we feel that we have to either get mad or overcompensate. We can remain calm and understand what our job is. It is not to appease the system, but we need to get the job done. Sometimes we have to ignore the 'lesser' people and keep going. Other times we have to stand up with a calm demeanor to be heard. Barack Obama is our precedence. Obama is our standard. Anything less is not acceptable. We cannot believe in the 'talented tenth.' We have to believe that each person has something great within them (at times it's untapped). We are a great people that has sustained the onslaught of racism (from the Middle Passage, institutionalized slavery, sharecropping, Jim Crow laws, lynchings, Civil Rights movements and marches, segregation, Reaganomics, crack epidemic, Bloods vs. Crips to George W. Bush and his era). Understand that we are still here. We have our Black Shining Prince of our day. That was the name Ossie Davis called Malcolm X at his funeral. Barack Obama is the continuation of our struggle as black people (particularly as professionals).

While we continue to rise, we cannot forget that it's our own time to shine. Barack Obama has shown that despite insummountable odds we can overcome. When it does not look good, we can still have our dignity and respect. We has to lift our heads up high and announce, "I am. I am greatness personified." Since Barack Obama is the President of the United States anything less than greatness is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Greatness or BUST!

Opportunity Meets Preparation

Confusion is the experience that results when one does not admit what they want or need in any given situation. This leads to Jim Mora's greatest quote, "Coulda, woulda, shoulda!" Fear births confusion. It is the fear that other will not love us or care for us if we say we want or need. I've realized that if that person takes his/her love away, he/she was never my friend. And that person does not know what love is. In the past I've cared about everyone's feelings except my own. I grew angry when I didn't get the same devotion and loyalty in return. There won't be any confusion because I know that I am celebrating myself. I cannot be afraid of failure anymore because I becoming the failure for doing nothing. I am wonderful. I am sexy. I am smart. I am in the image of the Divine. Let me act accordingly. I will use my affirmations to keep the activity going. When something is not going my way, I have to take a few breaths and say, "Let there be light!" Fear hates the light of the truth.

I cannot allow confusion or fear to dictate my life. I've been talking for too long. It's time to do! I will be the BEST at whatever I do because the best is yet to come in my life. I remember where I was just 5 years ago. Sometimes I have to look back to enjoy my present. I remember struggling. I also remember not having. I have. I'm learning to be happy with what I have. Whatever I'm not happy with, I have to change it. I have to confess to myself what I want and need. After the confession, I have to devise a plan to get what I want or need. It's then that I have to have faith that I will accomplish whatever I want. It's time.

It's time to show what A. Kenyatta Parks is made of. My friends have been showing me through their love and support. I've done nothing with it. I apologize. They have build me up. I kept tearing myself down. A 'a-ha' moment just happened as I was writing. Starting today I will start preparing for whatever comes my way. No one will out-prepare me (Thanks, Art!). Opportunity + Preparation = Dream fulfilled. It's time to fulfill my life.